Death of the Wanna Be


7 January 2021

This piece is a further reflection after my last piece, Ugly Beauty. If you have not yet read it, I’ll wait.

Just kidding. I’d like though to put here a few notes from my journal, as to the struggle of when and if to post Ugly Beauty. They went like this:

I’ve been trying to talk myself into or out of, what I wrote. Its called Ugly Beauty and that’s kinda what its about. Mixed with that desire (that most women were raised to have) to be good. 

So I tell myself: Be positive, don’t post such a downer so soon after the holidays or so close to our new beginning of 2021, a new president and historical vice president, a positive corona vaccine. 

It’s easier to wrap myself in a warm blanket and smile to the future.

But is this how I got here? How we all did? 

Without paying attention, or worse, letting ourselves be talked out of or into insanity, or just exhausted by the never ceasing twitter rant texts coming out of the White House for more than four years? Letting ourselves be almost beaten down, with so much trash from a president and his clan, we had no more- almost– strength to fight back.

But I was reminded by a friend that I had a lot of enthusiasm at the beginning of the year 2020. We both had. And the more I spoke to people, I heard them also optimistically say that positive things were coming, were here, I feel it in the air.

Well, we found out what actually was in the air.


I go on here because of a few things. One, its that I still feel odd to post The Ugly Beauty. It’s a downer I say to me. Then I read it again and think, its realistic. And perhaps, as I had, people will read it and acknowledge my words, somehow it could help better than if I just stay silent and put a bow on everything.

And with that I will now go even further to say this:

I am not known as a happy, positive person. My last blogs will prove that. 

But I gotta tell you, this year, starting yesterday, shows me the wave of positive unity has finally started, beginning with the death of the wanna be.

Yesterday, I watched, as all the world did, while what I consider the absolute worst of America, infested the capital.

I gazed upon those I saw to be the white male ancestors of slave owners, of church burners, of union bashers, of klan members, of cross burners, of brown shirt nazis, of gangs with a lynch mob mentality. These are who are in love with the president.

In absolute stark contrast to the clean, professional, business suited, well spoken politicians and senate aids, to the honorable and brave capitol police, who guarded the congress inside, (I will not go into conspiracy theories of who let them in, that is for traitors and the law to figure out.) to the quick thinking senate aids who grabbed and safe guard the electoral votes , and to the press who was there to report the truth,  I salute you, heroes all.

In stark contrast to them were what the president has to have now become terrified of:

That which he has unleashed out of the pandora’s box – NO – not a woman’s box god dammit, but a man’s weak, whiny, feel sorry for self white privileged asshole with a dream. Not, the “I have a dream,-” but the “I wanna be….king”. No pun intended at all.

This is a male dream. For a special sort of man. The worst kind of man. One who pretends to work, pretends to hunt, pretends to fight, pretends to be smart, pretends to serve, but who actually lives inside an insane dream world, without a speck of creativity, compassion, or empathy. Nor a drop of hard work, sensitivity, or love, not even for family. The sort that has absolutely no honesty, not even to himself. Who blames others, who avoids then denies, who makes up a whole new truth to fit his obscene set of insanity. It is not insanity, nor evil. It is just a man who is a total jerk loser.

And it is these men who hold up this sort of man as a god, who stormed in mass, killing one of the only women who joined them. 

And now the president, in his fear, is no longer texting out cryptic double messages, like, “I love you, (I love you?)…our journey is only just beginning…” But instead, “ do not represent our country..” This must feel like a knife to their heart. He doesn’t care.

Instead he is showing his absolute repulsion at the images of his “Patriots”: Bull-horned, half naked dressed in animal skins with red, white and blue painted faces, stinky boots on polished desks, with his name on banners forever linked to the worst (not greatest) riots on the capital and the country in history. 

Watching the Republicans over the last years felt like a game of dominos- not the game, but what I used to play with the dominoes: Carefully lining them up in a line, standing about an inch apart, goose stepping, carefully, patiently, standing as soldiers, as rigid and stiff as tombstones. 

We waited and tried 4 years, to disrupt them, change the order, trying to knock them down, to topple the wanna be king. 

And NOW, in one day, the hero Stacy Abrams and all those who truly care about the country, who have fought the harder fight, and with it, gained democrat control of the Senate, securing the future of America. It is not over. The fact that the congress is now 50/50 does not escape me. We all have now a 50/50 chance for survival, in climate, in justice, in harmony of the country.

This could not have succeeded so well: not in any Hollywood script, nor biblical scripture, nor written in blood document, or even in a pandemic. 

This is the absolute best downfall of a wanna be king. 

He will not be re-elected, nor die as a martyr. But the coward he is. His worst case scenario: To be discarded and forgotten.

And with him, his fucking fan club. Why you ask? 

Because a love like this, when betrayed this badly, is final and permanent. 

Looking at his last loyal soldier- Pence- the face of a betrayed, discarded lover, when once his eyes glistened only for his hero president, now looks like a beaten wife, rejected and heartbroken. When up till now, his respect bordered on the fascinated, in love, blind. 

Love is blind. 

But Love from a swarm of desperate and lost wanna be knights of the roundtable or a besotted vice-president? And lets not forget the chameleon thief Mitch as his side kick.

Love this ridiculous and unhinged, can only end in betrayal. This must have been what the brown shirts and nazi’s felt when Hitler committed suicide. 


As far as I am concerned, this is the absolute BEST ending to a sick, greedy, controlling wanna be dictator. To see him whimper to his “followers” that they did too much, and for the clan trump to feel betrayed by their wanna be king.

The puss of this disease- that of hatred.  The hatred feeds off itself but must first must come to a head and pop before the healing begins.

Do I want only suits and clean polite words in the congress? NO. Do I want better than what I saw infest the capitol? YES. America is a glorious mix of church goers and ex-cons, homeless and business owners, educated and not, immigrants and born in the USA, and those on a journey like me. Traveling back to Europe so to feel what my ancestors felt: starvation, invasion, occupation, holocaust, hope.

Fuckig irony is that the puss heads wanted exactly the opposite of what the actual patriots wanted when they fought to start the country: 

A king to bow down to, to listen and do as told, to be brave for and try to impress, to lick the boots of, to “Die for” (so they said apparently)

The only defeat of a dictator that I have seen in my life time was of Saddam Hussein. Yesterday’s outcome has come crashing down as surely as Saddam Hussein statues were yanked to the ground. One by one in anger, revenge, white power entitled passion.

Be careful Donald, what you wish for.

They will be after you now. 

Print of the above image, Golfer, is available from my site.

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